What do you want?
by kajtw
Summary: "What do you want Jane?" "Hate me Maura, hate me for everything."


**This is just something that came to mind as I was trying to write on my other story. Anyone reading this that reads my other story I should have another chapter up by thursday friday at the latest.**

**I dont own anything and mistakes are my** own.

She steps out of the bathroom and into her bedroom. The room was a mess, her lack of cleaning showing through cloths and beer cans spread out all over the floor. Her thoughts leave the room and she's now thinking of the one person she has vowed to keep her mind away from, but she stops in mind thought she can let herself go there not now, not ever. She knows if she goes there now, she'll go to pieces, and she can't afford that.

It's time to get her life back on track, time to live again without her. She knows that's impossible to do considering she'll see her at work every day, which will be torture all on its own, but she can handle it, she can handle anything that comes at her.

She leaves her bedroom; she can't stand to look at it anymore, to many memories to have to think about. She walks the opposite way from the living room, her hands find the doorknob to the bed room she has not entered since the day all this started, She feels herself start to open the door, but stops herself quickly, she takes a good look at the door like she does every day, and then turns and doesn't look back until she is no longer in her apartment. Instead of using the elevator she takes the stairs. She needs to start working out again, she needs to start doing a lot of things again, but this is a start and she's ready for it.

She gets in her car, she notices her heartbeat pick up, and her breathing quickens, is she honestly ready to be in a car again? She grips the steering well so hard her knuckles are white, the scars on her hands feeling like they could rip open again at any moment. She closes her eyes on the memories, and when she opens them again, her breathing has slowed, her grip is not as tight. She tries to look at anything to get her mind away from the memories, what she finds is her apartment building.

She can remember the day they had gotten this place, it was bigger just what they needed for...no she don't let my mind go anywhere near that not today this was the one day she would not think of that. She starts the car and leave before her mind wonders anywhere else. She pulls into the parking lot, she doesn't take a lot of time to get out, and she's through the front door before she can change her mind and turn back around.

Memories start flooding back in just a matter of seconds, memory's she had kept at bay, but she expected them, she was ready. She closed her eyes tight on the tears that were about to fall, when she opened them again her vision was no longer cloudy the tears were gone.

She had no trouble getting to the elevators, she thought for sure the officer at the front desk would try to stop her like he had after she had come back from shooting herself, but he only looked at her once then looked away, but not before she could see the sympathy in his eyes. That's why she had been avoiding this place she didn't want sympathy from anyone, she didn't deserve it.

The elevator ride felt like seconds, but in reality it was the same time it had been before, before everything went to hell. The few months locked she had had herself locked into her own apartment had been her own personal hell, but that's how she had made it, how she wanted it. She pushed everyone away, even the one person who she needed forgiveness the most, and got the forgiveness from, she had pushed away. That thought takes her back to the day all this started.

"You need anything from the store" Jane asked.

"No I'm fine." Maura said. Maura looked up at Jane and smiled. Jane saw pure joy in those green eyes. Only then Jane didn't know that in just a short hour her life would go to hell.

Jane leaned down and gave Maura a kiss, if only Jane would have known what was to come she would have let her lips linger longer, but she had been in a hurry, so she pulled away all too soon. The words Maura had spoken as Jane was leaving come back to her every day.

"I love you, and be careful." Maura's parting words were always be careful. Jane would have liked to think they were actually meant for her but...

That's when the elevator door come open and she stops her thoughts again. The first familiar face she sees is Korsak.

"Jane." he said. He stood up from his desk and started towards her.

She side steps his approach he notices and stops his approach.

"How are you feeling?" he asks. I see the worry on his face.

"I'm fine Korsak." was all she said.

She didn't want to talk about her feelings or that day, or anything else. She just wanted to be busy again. If they could just give her that, and not ask any questions she would be fine.

It didn't take long at all for her to have her gun and badge back on her hip, and she was ready. She felt more like her old self with them there, but she knew she could never be that person again never be the old Jane again.

Korsak and Frost were currently working on a case. Two murdered young men. No leads, exactly what she needed. When Jane and Frost made their way to the morgue Jane expected to see dr. Pike instead she saw the one person I didn't want to see ever again but knew it had to happen eventually but never thought it would be this soon. Maura could haunt Jane in her dreams, but she actually never wanted to see her again outside them.

Jane saw the surprise written on Maura's face, Jane was sure Maura had seen hers as well. Frost asked the questions, Jane didn't hear what either one said to each other, because she was back on that day, back to the start of her hell.

It hadn't taken her long to get to the store and get the things her and Maura had needed. She had put everything in the car, she had looked up at the sky for just a few short minutes, the weather had called for rain, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky. She then got into the car and stared it up, she had looked around a few times no cars where coming, she then pulled out of her parking place. She had gotten to the stop light just up the street from the grocery store. She let her mind wonder for several seconds, and as the light turned green she pulled her foot off the break and pushed on the gas, she had never seem the truck run the red light. The next thing she can remember was the sound of the crash pain running through the left side of her body, the paramedics trying their best to get her out, but she fought with them, she needed to get to the back seat, needed to see...

"Jane? Are you with us?" Frost pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Yeah I'm here." She said. She looks over at Maura; Maura knew exactly where Jane's thoughts had just been.

For the rest of the questions Jane kept her mind on the current situation It hurt too much to go back, to let her memories keep going back. When they were leaving Maura stepped around to Jane, Jane felt Maura's hand touch her arm for only a few seconds and then it was gone.

"Would you stay please? I need to talk to you."

Jane turned and looked towards Frost, watched him nod his head and then he left the morgue. When Jane turned back towards Maura she didn't look at her, she didn't want to see the look she knew was going to be on Maura's face.

"Jane, we can't keep going like this." Maura said.

Maura was fidgeting; she kept messing with the ring on her finger, the ring Jane had put there the day they had gotten married. Jane kept her eyes on that, never on Maura's face.

"Maura I can't go back to the way we were I'll never be able to go back there." Jane said, her eyes never leaving that ring.

"That's not what I'm saying, this would be so much easier if you would just tell me what you want Jane."

Jane heard the slight intake of breath; Maura was trying her best to keep her tears at bay.

Jane knew exactly what she wanted, but didn't know if Maura would be willing to give it to her. It took Jane several seconds to say it to even form the sentence in her mind.

"Hate me for what I have done to you, hate me with everything you have, and divorce me, because I don't deserve you, don't deserve to be happy." That last part spoken in a whisper.

Jane watched Maura's hand reach up and when she reached Jane's face she felt Maura slowly caress her check. Jane lets her eyes drift shut. Maura always had the sweetest touch.

"I could never hate you Jane, it wasn't your fault, and I wish you would quit blaming yourself." Maura said as she moved closer, Jane's arms moved around Maura's waist before she could stop them. Jane let her chin rest on the top of Maura's head, and they just held each other.

"I miss you Jane, and I miss.."

"Please don't say it Maura." Jane said, she felt the sting of the tears coming back, this time nothing she did would stop them. She felt them fall from her face. Maura must have noticed because she pulled back from Jane, and wiped her face like Jane was a kid, and that just made it worse.

When Jane finally got herself under control she looked Maura in the face this time.

"Divorce me Maura, that's all I ask." Before Maura could say anything else Jane walked out of the morgue.

Jane made it back to her car in record time, sent Frost a text saying she was leaving and then started the car. When she got back to the apartment she was ready for a beer, and a long nap. Crying always makes her tired.

She opened the door and closed it behind her threw her keys on the counter, and walked to the fridge took out a beer and drank most of it in just a few minutes. When she finished that one she got another one, one she would drink slowly.

She made her way down the hall passed the bedroom Maura and her had shared, and went to the next bedroom. To the door she hadn't opened this morning, to the door that had been shut for many months now. Her hand reached for the handle and before she could put any thought on it she opened the door.

This room was the reason they had bought a bigger apartment, Maura didn't want to live in her house and Jane's was too small for them, for their family.

Jane's memories go back to that day, back to the start.

Maura had been sleeping, Jane had been the one who heard the first wimped from the monitor. She had made her way into his bedroom, this bedroom. He had been such a sweet thing, blonde hair and green eyes, just like Maura. Jane feed him while she listened to Maura do her morning ritual. He had fallen asleep why she hadn't just left him with Maura always comes back to haunt her late at night when she's not sleeping. She had brought him with her, and when Maura told her to be careful she meant be careful with him, and when the paramedics were trying to get her out of the car, she had kept trying to reach back to him.

"He's gone." is what they kept repeating.

But Jane fought them with everything she had to get back there to him. They finally stopped trying to fight with her.

When she reached his car seat, he looked like he was sleep he just sleeping is all, Jane remembers thinking, but she knew deep down he really was gone, this tiny part of Maura was gone and it was her fault, she had taken this sweet thing away from Maura.

Maura had been in the hospital when Jane woke up. her first question was.

"How's Mason?" When Jane saw the tears in Maura's eyes she had looked away.

Today had been the first time Jane had really looked at Maura, really seen the hurt she had caused. She walked to his crib, picked up his little blanket and held it to her chest like she would have done to him, if only he were here. Her legs give out on her with that thought, and the floor becomes her chair.

**So im not sure if im going to do anymore of this, I guess it really just depends on what you guys think. If I do decied to do some more it will be when I finish my other story.**

**I guess let me know. love it or hate it?**


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